I'm sure you are all used to me disappearing for days by now, and I wish that I could say it's because I was up to some fun and exciting project.
Fact is, I've been coming to terms with some news I have been given about two weeks ago, though as rocky as it may have been at points and still is, I feel like I am ready to head it on, and speak about it.
About a month ago my mother found a lump in her breast, we have managed to remain cautiously optimistic that it was likely nothing as doctors and friends have told us that majority of lumps discovered are not actually cancerous. A close friend told me she even has lumps but they were merely cysts...
Two weeks ago she got the results of the biopsy confirming that it was cancerous. She spoke to the physician and we now know that it's stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma. My mother has opted for a double mastectomy.
I wasn't so much sad as I was angry at the world; on top of her having to deal with another restrictive disease, we now have to confront one of the biggest ones of all. I felt like the tears wouldn't stop flowing.
As the surgery date gets closer, the concerns and worries feel insurmountable and the distance between us makes me feel largely helpless and isolated. I know that as a grown woman, I must live my path... but the guilt has never left my side, knowing there was and are a million reasons why I should've stayed closer to home. My mother is my life line, and the decision to move so far away was my own-- I must live with that.
I do have plans to go up and help for however long I can, but due to monetary restrictions ( I want to save up in case she may need a large chunk of help in regards to bills and such), I have to aim for the time when she receives chemo, as we heard that, that is the toughest stretch towards remission, and when she'll need me most.
In the meantime, the post-surgery attire is expensive and not covered by her insurance. I was planning on designing and constructing those garments in a fashionable manner. It seems kind of silly to consider the fashionable aspect, as my mother is much more reclusive than I, and has reminded me that she does not like "going out"... but I want her to not look upon these garments as you would a hospital-- sterile and lacking the "life" that it gives back. I want her garments to be a reminder of the hope we should always keep.
On another note, it's a very good thing that my last purchase was another machine, because if not... then my plans might've been dashed by the return of my brother sewing machine-- who did not make the journey back to me. The "repair" people sent it back in far worse condition than I sent it. They tossed it into a plastic sack with the embroidery arm rubber banded to the machine, put it in a box that wasn't labeled fragile or 'this side up' and used expanding foam on the sides alone. To add insult to injury, they managed to "misplace" the power cord and pedal I sent along with it-- they claimed I should not have sent those with it, but no where did we find in the shipping instructions they emailed us did it say to omit those.
We will fight this tooth and nail, but it's wal-mart's extended warranty plan... so I am unsure of the outcome; whether they will claim responsibility for such carelessness, and replace the machine.
Despite everything else, I am continuing to keep busy and attempting with all my strength to remain as positive as I can-- if not for me than for my mother.