I've been feeling a lot like Filler Bunny. I'm unsure if it's true to form depression, or just some kind of self fulfilled prophecy that I've unwittingly accepted.
My mother is officially in remission, but those sob stories on facebook of people suffering a recurrence have been poisoning what joy the news was supposed to bring-- filling me instead with nightmares of waking up and my mother just being gone. It feels like I'm entirely surrounded by these stories, and I haven't been able to sleep more than 3-5 hours at a time.
On Wednesday, my hubby decided to take me along on his business trip to Corpus Christi to help Padre Island National Park-- and to enjoy the sun and water, too. Unfortunately, I hadn't slept a wink since Monday and my energy reserves were so low I struggled just to stand up during the entire tour.
We went to lunch and then headed back to the hotel; I barely made it to the bed before I crashed and slept and slept till the next morning. I was hoping I'd get to enjoy the day after, but I was still a little wobbly on my legs.
The walk from the office to the beach felt like a marathon-- one I probably shouldn't have made alone, but I was quite determined to enjoy the beach, if just for the sake of my hubby literally having to tug me along the day before. Early morning at the beach is incredibly serene... there wasn't a soul in sight in any direction-- except pelicans, seagulls and a bunch of tiny little crabs I tried not stepping on as I made my way to the water's edge.
The water was incredibly warm and certainly inviting, but I just did not have the energy to swim even a little. I didn't stay very long, maybe 20 mins, most of my time spent coercing the crabs from all their holes by standing real still... they were adorable.
We went out to lunch at a place called Scuttlebutts, where I had the best version of fish and chips I've ever tasted. Instead of cod they use Mahi Mahi-- my favorite fish. Of course, I also had to make my obligatory visit to their Joann's... where I bought a few nice new additions to my sewing room.
When we got home, I could say the trip did some good. I still can't sleep that long, but its reassured me of the fact I have a wonderful man who tries his very best to uplift me. Perhaps I'm not as alone as my mind would have me feel.
Sorry to hear you're struggling. :( I feel like Filler Bunny a lot lately too, more so due to physical pains. I'm glad your man took you out, a change of scenery is always good, and maybe try staying off of Facebook for awhile, too. <3
ReplyDeleteOh honey! While not the same thing, I understand the feeling of Mom being sick, then being ok, and then expecting the worse. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop and that's completely normal. I honestly can't tell you that it will get better, but it does become more normal. Give yourself permission to stop worrying, at least for a little while. (((HUGS))) You're no use to anyone if you get sick, so take care of yourself. Sending you lots and lots of love.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget how much upheaval you've been through lately- that takes it's toll, and you are totally justified in feeling weird and down. Sometimes it's nice to be able to point to a cause of all the ick.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember- depression is a dirtbag and a liar. Don't trust what it says. I will happily contradict anything it tries to tell you about your worth.
It is wonderful to have someone so supportive! Hope you get some rest! Sending good thoights for your mum!
ReplyDeleteSending happy thoughts and virtual hugs!
ReplyDelete